Liberated

I did not realise how damaging my marriage to ex had done to me. The other day, mum said in young time, I am the happy kid among my siblings. When she said that, it sounded so foreign to me. I just dismissed it as I did not know how to bring it back!

As you see, ever since marriage, ex just demanded I live his way, his thoughts. Even in arguement, it's about his way or nothing. No ground to negotiate at all. Overtime, whatever he poured on me, I just too tired to rectify him evenwhen what he thought he knew about me was not what actually the me he was describing. Whatever shit he threw, for the peace of the family, I just accepted.

He continued to throw his fiery dart at me all the years of marriage, whatever wrong with Jc was my wrong and anything not right with the house was also my wrong. With all the condemnations and demands, how could I respond to his sex advance in joy? How do I joyfully hug him? I didn't know my love bank was empty, I was purely surviving on ground negative! I became the serious me and I don't know how to relax to enjoy myself.

He said he tried to bring the family together but I didn't respond. With a girl that gave me much headache since a baby to him, who always face the computer, I was forced in my early days of marriage to look to the computer and got addicted to the internet.

In sex area, he condemned that I am a log. I do not know how not to be one. It's when Lord gave me feeling in intercourse last year that finally, I could sense the sensation and responded. With this, he was for that whole late afternoon till he sent me home, thinking if he should come back to me. But he decided that I am his ex, he should go for greener pastures just as I was about to alight. That sealed the fate between me and him. Somehow, more severe attack came ever since he decided that. He is going back on his promise to let me stay at this home till Jc finishes Primary 6 next year.

What I did not know is his condemnation for 10-12 years had created a negative impact on me that I could not find joy. I seem to be dwelling in down mood.

Today, after worshiping Lord using NCC worship songs in youtube, some other videos attracted me till I landed in xiaxue video. I watched her solemnisation and then the proposal. When she said she didn't know anybody would love her. Somehow this is my thought for myself that I was no more good for anyone.

When I saw she, much love by some but also much hated by some because of her loud style, could find a man who is gentle to love her much, somehow, I was liberated. I told myself if she could, I can too. The moment I believe so, the spell of the curse broke and I cried and I was in joy and feel my body like lifted up. Glory to Jesus!

The bitterness spirit had left me. I am now light and in Peace of Jesus! Glory Glory! Before meeting my new man, Lord leads me through this liberating path. I am so happy. Glory Glory! Amen Amen!

Finally, I could walk out my new future. If without a sexy body but a respond to his service would lead his thought to be shaken, I know surely when Lord give me a renewed sexy body and a heavenly desire and craving, surely the new man will surely love me much! I am happy! Glory Glory! Amen Amen!

Abba Father, thank You for the Heavenly Joy that You are blessing me. I am so pleased! Glory Glory! Thank You, Thank You! Amen Amen!