For 20 years of my life, I had been led to face death twice and face the Glory of God once. I would say it's better with God that with the devil. Glory Glory!
Many years ago, in my 20s, I had this deep depression that no one could understand. So some thought I was going insane and didn't know how to talk with me while others liked some good friends and family members kept telling me to look at the nature to enjoy life, to choose positive against negative. They showed their love for me that made me didn't want to hurt them. Glory Glory!
As such, when devil gave me thought that I was the odd one out in the society, nothing could I get back the society, he shouted death to me. He said nothing more to do so better death than life. However, in consideration for my family, and not wanting to harm them, I asked myself in the darkness of life and could not even see a ray of light. What could I do?
Friend who emailed me story about this man so positive in thinking that even he got shot in restaurant, he chose life over death. In the end, he was alived. Base on this story and looking at the cycles of wave that break at shore but never ceased doing the same old thing, and also looking at the sun and seeing that no matter how dark a rainy day was, the sun will be out the next moment. With grabbing of all these positive thinking, I decided to walk in positive and ignored each of the negative deadly thoughts that came to me.
As each thought came to me, I replaced with a positive one and accepted it. For 3 years, I was doing it mentally. I walked out of the spiral of darkness and they had no choice but to flee. Glory Glory. This was how Lord had been leading me before I came to Him.
At the birth of Jc, I was hit by the post-natal-depression. I was feeling useless and another time of uselessness and deserving death again. I was crying for nothing sake. My hubby then asked me what happen, I told him I could not even take care of the baby, I could not do anything! He told me to concentrate breast feeding the baby and not to care about anything else. Even when I complainted that I could not carry the baby, he said as I carried, my strength would grow and I will be able to carry her. I just received and did accordingly. Overtime, I got out of that depression.
As devil could not kill me, he decided to give me fear, ghostly fear. I endured it for 3 years till I found Jesus. As this was spiritual attack, it was beyong me and a God was needed. No one had enounter with Jesus as strongly as I do. As I was deeply oppressed and so, I had to hug Jesus tightly.
In the process, I climbed my way to the innermost and met Jesus face to face. He showed me His Grace and in 3 months, I was out of this oppression. When devil realised that fear could not work in me, he uses death, sickness death. All my body parts became his playground, I encountered death many times over, as I trusted in Jesus, I climbed out of this pit as well.
With my walk almost done, now is the personality test. Lord gaven me interest to defend the lady who drown with her son in the recent news in a forum I visited lately. Lord also raise another thread on single mum for me to go in to share my views. Devil did not let go of me, he still tried to crush me down.
But goodness resulted from this walk. Lord said I finally reached where He wanted to place me. Somehow, whatever curse and swear that came my way, Lord gave me a heart to pity them, who are ignorance and used by the devil. Lord through me keep on forgiving them as Jesus did at the cross. After all that, Lord said I have reached where He wanted to place me. Glory Glory.
It is Glory and Honor! I who is nothing Lord uphold me. Many sisters pmed me to give me kind words, even when devil realised that the attack did no harm to me, he decided to use my blog and examples of other children of God to bring me down. But as what Lord would do, I have no anger, only pity that they are used by the devil and their pride are in the way.
Haha, I like to quote a saying, this mum said she had many Christian but none behave like me. I read a few of their blogs, it's about their life, nothing much about personal encounter with Jesus. I only could thank Lord gives me this opportunity for me, alone, to walk with such intimacy with Him. I so much appreciated it and could only praise Him for His Goodness.
Regarding my sex encounter with ex recently, those that know about it was wondering why I did such thing. Hey! Look with your eyes opened! Am I sleeping around with different men??? No, the only person I had sex with since I know about sex, is P, my ex-husband. From before till now is still the same man. What you want to term that into?
The Grace of God no one could understands. Man do not know how to bring a broken relationship back together. Only by the Grace of Jesus He could. Why need this sexual encounter? Lord told me that and even ex told me after, that his moving away was because the issue of sex.
If you recall from this blog, my problem was degree of pain in intercourse and looked at the manhood as a biological part. This is what push ex alway from this marriage. Lord through this five years, slowly, as I trusted him, remove the pain, then the sensitivity, and finally for the first time, I enjoyed the process. Now I love the manhood that it was a joy in the process. Lord led me to show to ex that I am made normal. So that his image of my old sexuality was gone.
With this, a step closer to him coming back. Lord also lead me to realise man only purpose of chasing woman is purely for sex. Lord made them constantly want sex the whole life and made woman want love the whole life. So that in fulfilling each other needs, it will be a perfect union. He changed my understanding in the whole thing. That is why the wisdom of God is needed to make marriage works. Glory Glory!
With this, I am ready to receive ex back. On how he comes back, Lord by His Grace also have provided the avenue. All Grace is upon it and surely, this union is perfect! Glory Glory! Amen Amen!
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